Strike one and you're out

04.15.2014

It's your birthday tomorrow and despite how busy I was in the office, I managed to think of a way on how I will surprise you.

And then the phone rang; it's your number but I didn't answer because I was busy talking to a client.

The phone continues to ring but still, I didn't answer so I left a message to you. You told me to call you, so I did when I had the time.

You asked me the question I always thought  you'd ask. Yes, I admitted that I did the deed, but when you accused me of something I didn't do, that's a different story.

You  let me explain, if that's what you call it. But the circumstance was perilous, and I know you already had your conclusion long before I made an explanation. You shut the phone and I talk to the dying sound of the telephone. Minutes later, I received several texts I wished I did not bother to read. I wanted to succumb somewhere but alas, I failed.

I cried a lot, yes. Because I thought you'd understand.

I cried a lot, because of how disappointed I am to myself, that I wished I did not let my prevailing mood control myself for committing that mistake.

I cried, a lot, because of how you charged me of something I did not do.

And I still cry every time I think of you because you were the only person I had when everyone did not seem to care.

Dear Mama,

Hi, Ma. I know you're watching us everyday. I know you know what I have been doing, what I have been feeling, what I have been thinking, basically everything I do.

I just do not know what to do anymore. I have a lot of questions to ask you but I guess they will remain unanswered.

Somehow I find myself alone in this battle. I guess no one will understand what I have been going through except you.

I just really wish you were still here, Ma.

Does love really always win?

"Love wins. Love always wins." --Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie

But does love really win all the time?

I begin to ask myself this quote while I was reading the book. And then I thought the culture that I have... and him. And so I will rephrase the question, "does love always really win--in my culture?"

Not a day passes by that I think of our situation--how will I tell Papa about us. He is a Filipino. I, on the other hand, half Filipino and half Chinese. Having been grown up in a Chinese culture ever since, especially when Mama died and I transferred to Papa, all I hear about is  "marry someone like "us," "they are totally different from us."

It just saddens me, thinking my father told this to me when in fact he had a relationship with my mother--a Filipina--and loved her dearly.

And then I thought the main character of the story, Morrie. I just wish he's still alive. I could have written a letter to him.

A trip down memory lane

Well, 2012 has been a crazy roller coaster ride for me, that is why I wasn't able to scribble for the past year. I'm really sorry for that. Matters of the heart is not to blame with my absence, but academics is.

In summer, I had to take my practicum course in Maybank, whom I had met wonderful people and got closer with some of my classmates, and of course, him. I thought OJT would be harder because I'll be exposed to the real world somehow, but those people have made my life easier, that I can befriend my bosses and even my friends'.

Meanwhile, it was the opposite that had happened in my last first semester as a student. There were deadlines for our investment research (in short, thesis) every week since there were other deadlines to finish and quizzes to study for so I had to convince my father to let me do the activity in my thesis mate's house. (In my first time, I cried in front of Papa just to let me go for a sleep over) So yeah, luckily I survived that semester--well, somehow.

Enrollment this semester was very stressful since I had to enroll two of my subjects that I flunked in 3rd year and a subject last semester. We were back and forth in enrolling those subjects. Investment research defense was getting near, too, so we had to prepare. We were given another chance by the panelists and thank God, it was a success. Hopefully, I will be able to march on the 26th of March next year.

There were so many events that happened this year, really, and I cannot enumerate them one by one, but one thing's for sure: they have made me better for the next years to come. So, 2013: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Happy new year, people! ♥

Change

Change is the very nature of life.

Ironic, is it not? When you want everything to just be what you want them to be, change is always present to mess or sometimes make it better.

If now, you think that you haven't changed one bit, see yourself after a year or so and you will realize how much you have transformed--be it physically or your state at the present.



*Should have been published last April 13th but for some reason, my finger forgot to click the publish button.

All I wanted for Christmas is you, and He gave me you. Perhaps this is the best gift ever You gave in my nineteen years of existence. I can't even believe that I thought of myself as aberrant, pathetic even, with my previous entries but I guess it really pays off when you wait.

And you (yes, you), as cheesy and cliche as may it sounds, thank you for always being there for me. For being my best friend, and not to mention being a dad. I don't want to go into details but I think you already know what my heart contains.

And thank you for loving me.

Well, Barney Stinson was right, "New is always better."

It was few months ago since I scribbled in here and a lot of things happened during my hiatus.

Since I swore to myself that I do not want to graduate in UST without trying any activities and be active like in high school. And, here it was, I had the guts to join and passed the interview in our organization as their trainee. To be honest, I didn't know if I would still pursue this at that time since I also want to focus on studies and I also think it will be a hassle. But what the heck, I still did anyway and I must say that it is undeniably tiring but fun. I would wake up early for props-making (if there's an upcoming event) and help the org at the morning and then go to class at afternoon. During and after those events, I am glad that I was able to become a part of something and not being a part of the audience like I did for the last two years of my college life.

I also met a lot of students who are in the same major as mine (my co-JEs or Junior Executive) and gained a few friends, close friends even, from those circle. And somehow, I was able to get some connection coming from the other sections, hihi. This is one of the perks of being a JE. It was service and camaraderie rather than self-fulfillment for me for joining in this org.